What’s the longest road in the world?
It’s the Pan-American Highway that stretches from Prudhoe Bay in Alaska passing through Canada and goes south through the USA, Mexico and Central America.
Can you believe it’s a mind-boggling 19,000 miles long!
But there’s another lesser-known road that’s even longer.
And it stretches across the globe into every country and continent on planet earth.
It’s called the rejection road (figuratively speaking).
If you’ve ever travelled this road as I have, you’ll see it littered with wrecks.
Rejection road is not the scenic route to the happy highway.
Nobody ever dreams of travelling on the rejection road.
But many do according to the experts.
And their research points mostly to unresolved, unreconciled trauma and pain that we dutifully dismiss and diminish as a means of coping.
So some become prisoners of their pain, stubbornly refusing to venture down the forgiveness road.
And sadly, what they’re unaware of is, the forgiveness road leads to the freedom frontier.
Once upon a time, I was a regular commuter on rejection road.
And the reason was that I failed an important test question.
When you suffer from pain and hurt and feel deeply rejected, angry and resentful, what should you do.
a. Don’t worry about it and just continue with life
b. Get therapy and counselling to communicate how and why you’re feeling the way you do and find ways of handling it
c. Let it pile up until it becomes clear you’re going to end up a wreck
d. Detour and look for another route on the rejection road.
When I was a lot younger, I chose “D”, thinking the detours would lead me out of the maze.
Big mistake!
I was only delaying the inevitable.
Rejection road is not a scenic route leading to a dream destination.
If anything, it’s a never-ending nightmare riding over gaping potholes, slamming into massive boulders and travelling close to treacherous, hairpin bends in life.
Yet, despite this, many still travel down the rejection road.
Why?
Because its become a comfortable habit and, for some, a protective coping mechanism.
In my case, my engine room was travelling in limp mode.
And because I was extremely vulnerable, the rejection road seemed like the perfect road for someone like me.
So the question remains – why do people venture onto a road riddled with so much regret, pain, grief, suffering and stress?
For each of us, the reasons are different.
But the all too common one is because we suffer from very low self-esteem.
When our confidence has been shattered and broken by a traumatic experience, we withdraw into what we think’s a safe place.
And it usually happens when we’re young and innocent and for some, when we’re older.
We get bullied or violated and traumatised by some horrific experience.
It happened to me, both when I was just a child then again during my teens.
Then, as a means of protection, we revert inwardly into ourselves.
The betrayal of trust coupled with feelings of anger become an all-consuming rage darkening our soul.
Rejection fools us into believing that it’s no big deal to feel and stay rejected.
But when you look at rejection in the light of truth, you realise it corrodes our thinking and takes our entire being hostage.
Rejection’s first cousin is victim mentality.
It conveniently steps into the passenger seat.
Then our damaged self-esteem becomes automatically programmed by these two impostors.
They take over our life and begin influencing nearly everything we say, touch and do.
We even start feeling paranoid about people and their intentions.
Our stubborn stance becomes a direct result of our mistaken beliefs that the whole world’s against us.
What we fail to understand or realise is that our character and values have been compromised by our seemingly spurious thoughts and feelings because of an unresolved traumatic past.
The other reason could be that many of us have never been schooled in the art of handling and resolving our deep-seated pain, rejection and the disappointments we’ve encountered in life.
So, we just meander through life carrying sackfuls of resentment, anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.
Then we wonder why we can’t seem to find peace and harmony and truly enjoy the blessings life has to offer.
Instead, we bulldoze our way through life like a bear with a sore head.
On the other side of the coin, some become hermits, isolating themselves from mainstream society as a means of coping.
Sound familiar?
Ok, instead of beating yourself up, would you be willing to try something positive?
Good!
Let’s begin.
First, be bold and courageous enough to do something for yourself.
First, Forgive yourself for being a prisoner of your pain, rejection and unforgiveness.
Forgive yourself for harbouring resentment, anger and bitterness towards the person or people who’ve hurt you.
The forgiveness part doesn’t mean you have to forget how they mistreated you.
Doing this will begin strengthening you so that it will never dig its claws into you again.
However, there’s one other thing you need to do.
And for this, you’ll need to go deep into a place not many are brave enough to go.
Even though it may feel like you’re opening pandora’s box, true freedom will only be possible when you dive deep into the murky waters of your real pain, torment and suffering.
What I’m about to say next will challenge some of you.
So, I empathise with you.
But say it I must.
Because I know this one thing, only truth can set you free!
Ok here goes.
Get a writing pad and pen.
Sit somewhere quiet away from everyone so you won’t be distracted or disturbed.
Leave your phone in another room so you can’t hear it ring.
Now settle back, close your eyes for a moment and relax.
As hard as it might be to do, think back to the time you were abused, violated, bullied or traumatised.
Picture what happened.
Feel all the feelings associated with that despicable moment.
If there’s rage in there, open the cage and release the rage.
Don’t hold back.
Let it all out.
Scream if you must.
Open your eyes and begin writing how you feel.
Don’t hold anything back.
Write everything down in vivid, sordid detail.
Now write your most secret thoughts about how you feel and what you’d like to do to the person or people who abused and violated you and caused you so much pain and suffering.
No holding back even if you have the most sickening and murderous thoughts.
If tears come, let them come.
If you start sobbing like there’s no tomorrow, do it.
Those are the real emotions you’ve kept hidden and holding onto that’s the real cause of the loss in your life.
If swear words come, let them come.
Let it all out.
The truth of how you’re feeling is now coming to the surface.
Every emotion you’ve suppressed will begin bubbling and rising to the surface.
Let it all out.
Once you’ve finished, allow yourself time to bask in the sunshine of a new day.
Be kind to yourself.
Stay in this healing zone until you feel it’s time to face the world with new strength.
Now you’re ready to leave rejection road in the rear view mirror of your life.
Step up to the plate.
It’s time to delete the rubbish you’ve carried that’s captured your heart and soul and send it to where it belongs – the garbage dump.
If you feel the need to burn what you’ve written, do it.
Throw it in the bin where it belongs.
Once you’ve done it, remember not to look back like Lot’s wife.
Just as you can’t drive a vehicle looking in the rearview mirror, the same goes for your life.
By all means, look back on all the wonderful memories.
They’re part of who you are.
As for the rest, they don’t deserve another mention.
Look forward to a life of handling people and problems with an attitude of gratitude.
“Really?
Even when people say or do unkind things or are downright unfair and rude towards me and when it wasn’t even my fault in the first place?”
Yes, because refusing to be offended or take offence is part of the deal of growing a thick skin and knowing nothing’s going to needle you.
Their barbs will be like water off a duck’s back.
Take every unkind word and every unfair action as a challenge and a test of growing your character and strengthening your thick skin.
When you begin to become unaffected by the barbs, the disappointments and even the most critical arrows aimed at you, it’ll be a sign you’ve overcome one of the greatest weaknesses of humanity.
Rejection.
It’ll show you’ve grown in stature, in mental and emotional strength.
And a smile will cross your lips.
It’ll be a knowing smile, etched with a touch of humbleness affirming the battle you’ve had to endure and overcome.
If you believe in prayer, give thanks to the Almighty for guiding you into the light of His glorious life.
And as you begin walking in the light of His glorious presence, your world will change.
People around you will change because without knowing why what or who, they will recognise and feel a supernatural presence around you and through you.
The gifts and talents you’ve been given will begin to bloom and you’ll shine.
Your true calling will come to the surface and your life will rise like the proverbial phoenix.
And you’ll be forever thankful for how much you’ve grown and love life and living.
Your relationships will change and become so much deeper and more meaningful.
So will how others see you, including how you see yourself.
But remember this one crucial grain of truth.
Your battles will not diminish.
They will increase because of how you carry yourself and what you stand for.
Consider it a backhanded compliment.
People will attack you for no reason at all.
And sometimes you’ll be flabbergasted wondering why you’ve become their target.
Now you know the meaning and saying: “Life was never meant to be fair or easy!”
There’s nothing fair about being the target of unfair criticism and unfair actions, sometimes from people who are close to you.
That’s when you know without even understanding why that you’ve become a threat to forces that are continually
working behind the scenes to topple you and bring you down.
They want you bac on the rejection road feeling angry, bitter and resentful and driving you into oblivion.
And they want to control your life and hold you captive to everything that’s hat negative and nasty.
Consider it a compliment.
Things will begin coming at you from left field.
It will test your faith and resolve to stay the course when everything in your head will be screaming to screw what you’ve achieved and become vindictive and vengeful again so that you start feeling the pain and pangs of rejection, anger and bitterness.
If you can help it, don’t fall for the trap.
It’s to strip you of the power you now hold in your being that you’re never going to reverse backwards onto
rejection road with all the other tragic wrecks.
Press forward with confidence.
May Almighty God grant you the grace and wisdom to make the journey of personal transformation to become the person you’ve been created to be.”
• COLIN DEOKI is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed are his and not necessarily of this newspaper.
