Prologue
Thirty five years ago, when I was in Toastmasters, I participated in a humorous speech contest. The title of my speech was “Happily Married”. My wife bought a shirt especially for this occasion with the following words emblazoned on the front of the shirt, much to the delight of my three daughters – I am the boss of this house – and I have my wife’s permission to say so. Below is a slightly modified transcript of the speech. I am sure my fellow sufferers, to wit, married men will read this with relish (maybe mustard too) and take delight in the fact they are not the only victims of marital misery.
What was I thinking?
My wife and I were absolutely happy for 25 years. Then we met. At that time. I was teaching and shared a bachelors quarters with two guys – one was a confirmed bachelor, the other was happily divorced. When I told them of my plans to get married, they thought I had taken leave of my senses. The confirmed bachelor, an ardent admirer of Henry Higgins promptly quoted him: “I would be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever have a women in my life. Let a woman in your life and you are plunging in a knife!”
Sage advice
But I was determined to get married. So he advised me, — Get married in the morning. That way, if the marriage does not work out, your whole day is not wasted. The other guy, who considered himself somewhat of a philosopher (I guess that happens when you have been married for a long time – like more than two weeks) said he could give me at least 10 reasons not to get married.
He said, “Number 1, what is the main reason for divorce?” Marriage, Number 2, what are the three rings of marriage? Engagement ring wedding ring and suffering. Number 3…” I said, “I think I get the point.”
Fools rush in…
However, on November 27, 1971, I threw caution and wisdom to the wind and tied the knot – around my neck. I am a Hindu. During the wedding ceremony, we take seven steps and at each step, we take a vow. As the priest chanted the vows, I could not help thinking that they were written by my mother-in-law.
Short honeymoon
Our life was one of marital bliss for about two weeks. Then one night, I went out with several friends for a few drinks. My wife said I came home really late – it was 8:33 PM. The next morning, my neighbour said, “I understand you and your wife had some words last night.” I said, “I did but I did not get a chance to use them”. But I said proudly “I made her crawl on her hands and knees.” “Wow!” he said impressed, “What did your wife have to say to that?” She glared at me and said, “Come out from under the bed, you coward!”
Coming to America
Then we went to America – the land of opportunity – for women. My wife said, “Since we are in a new country, we have to adapt to the lifestyle here and she made some ground rules: I won’t try to run her life or mine and our marriage will always be one of give and take – if it is money, I’ll give and she’ll take. If it’s orders, she’ll give and I’ll take. This seemed unfair so I said, “Can I say something?” “No”, she said firmly. But then he relented and said that since I was the main breadwinner in the house (even though she was not too impressed with the size of the bread I was winning) she would let me make the decisions – what type of sandwich I should have for lunch – tuna or peanut butter, on which days I would do laundry, how many jobs I should have in case we had another kid.
My wife’s passions
Now my wife has two passions – shopping and gardening. Both of these are very exhausting and this was starting to affect our love life. The crowded malls would give her a headache — and she shopped every day. To make our lackluster marriage more exciting. I attended a seminar at a Community College unbeknownst to my wife. The next Sunday when my wife went shopping, I decided to use some techniques I had learnt at the seminar. I sprayed the house with her favourite perfume and covered our bed with beautiful red rose petals. As soon as my wife walked in, she said, “Don’t tell me that’s Chanel #5. Now I am a very obedient husband – not by choice, of course! So when my wife says, “Don’t tell me”, I don’t. She went to the bedroom to put her shopping bags away. She came running back and screamed, “Don’t tell me you plucked all the roses from my garden!” So I didn’t.
Unrequited love
But I am an eternal optimist. When we retired that night, I lit the candles and read her a romantic poem, “Looking for your face” by Rumi. I gently put the book down and turned to my wife – she was snoring. I called the community college the next day and asked for a refund. But there is hope – maybe. In utter despair, I bought a book called “How to Be the Boss in Your House” but my wife has not permitted me to read it. I feel very much like the typical married man – several mouth to feed – and one big mouths to listen to. But to all married men, I say, “Do not lose hope, when all is said and done, we still have the last word, “Yes, Dear.”
Epilogue
In all the years that I have been married, there has been a lot of time for introspection – is happily married a contradiction in terms. Or an oxymoron – a word I heard from my Form 6 English teacher. She asked me if I knew what it meant. I wanted to say maybe a chubby woman married to a dumb guy. But it did not seem like a good idea. So I kept quiet. Little did I realise that being quiet would become a way of life for me.
