The troubles in marital relationship, such as blaming or complaining at each other, are very common nowadays. Couples are likely to hurt each other once they have failed to tackle these troubles properly or find a right solution. Many families are plagued by such problems and behaviours.
For example, during pregnancy or after the birth of a child, the wife has to work hard to look after the baby’s diapers and bottle, while her husband is inconsiderate. When she has a chance to go back to work and society, she may suddenly find the sharp contrast between the peace and quietness in the society and too many trivialities in the family, thus she may have an aversion to her family and her husband.
Although she still manages to live with her family, her idea to leave the family will mature gradually.
As for the husband, for the pressure from work and contact with others in society, especially when exhausted both physically and mentally but cannot get enough timely love and support from his wife, he is very likely to have many complaints and dissatisfaction and even fall into infidelity once another woman offers care and love to him.
It’s very hard for the couples to break through and solve such problems if they fail to know where these problems come from and how the things develop, to know that the nature of the problems is illusory, and to know how to properly use their own hearts.
Then how do we face and deal with such problems properly?
Firstly, we should understand that all the problems between a couple come from the desire to possess each other.
Such desire has the unilateral and coercive psychological qualities. Once your partner cannot satisfy your requirements or listen to your needs, you will feel over-burdened and have a bad reaction.
In appearance, both people may think they love and care about each other, but actually they demand and control their partner in the disguise of love. With the accumulation of the burden and bad reaction after a long time, they will eventually have opposition, aversion, or reluctance to face each other sincerely.
To solve these problems, we should go back to our hearts to observe, reflect, think them over, and taste the sufferings. “Do as you would like to be done by”. We should observe from as many angles as possible, such as from the angle of wisdom and compassion, from the angle of the right view, from the angle of a lifetime. We then go back to see what we both are attached to and again try to solve these problems, we can at least avoid the terrible hurts.
On the basis of mutual respect, the couple both should try as much as they can to negotiate and reach a feasible agreement for both to observe. And any contradiction or problem should be adjusted and solved according to this agreement rather than just insisting on either good or bad and either right or wrong angle of one particular thing.
Respect, negotiation, agreement and observance, the four-word-rule is a good way to solve the problems from marriage, children, work and society. These four words form a complete system, and the key to applying this rule is its integrity and perfection. Respect, negotiation, agreement and observance, these four steps are mutually supportive and complementary, and each one is indispensable. Therefore, once one step is lost, this system will function ineffectively or even discontinue.
One more example, the couple have negotiated and reached an agreement. Once one of them fails to observe the agreement, the other will probably use the agreement to oppose or complain at him (her), which obviously goes against mutual respect. So they should go back to the rule, the four steps in terms of respect, negotiation, agreement and observance to adjust. As for the respect, bear in mind the wise people’s merits of respecting everything, permitting everything and accepting everything, so as to surpass our limited thinking and actions.
By learning and practising this, we will deeply feel its great support for ourselves and others in everyday life. We sincerely hope this way could be offered to more related sentient beings who have no idea on how to tackle issues occurring in families, work place and social associations, and hope they can apply them and solve their troubles or obstacles in their lives.
(1) ” do as you would like to be done by” is a famous remark from Analects of Confucius, who was an ancient Chinese thinker and educator
