If someone’s hurling abuse and swearing at you, you’ve every right to feel like lashing out at them.
It’s only human. While the urge of getting even might seem quite normal and natural, what are we really getting ourselves into?
When we’re staring down the barrel of a heated argument, things can escalate quickly and easily spiral out of control.
And if we’re honest, it’s mainly to soothe our bruised and aching ego. Hindsight has taught us if we’d handled things better, the carnage wouldn’t have followed. But it’s easier said than done.
When we’re getting a verbal hammering, some of us can lose sight of rational behaviour and charge headlong into the abyss. Is there a way we can somehow stop the rot before it turns into a toxic rubbish dump?
“The ability to control our thoughts is fundamental to our wellbeing” according to Professor Michael Anderson from the Medical Research Council Cognition & Brain Sciences Unit from the University of Cambridge.
If controlling our thoughts is proven by the experts as being fundamental to our wellbeing, why is it that we find it difficult to control our urges and impulses? Is it a human weakness? If there was a way of controlling our wayward thoughts and emotions, most of us most probably wouldn’t get into half the strife we get into through life. Imagine what life would be like?
No unnecessary dramas and fights. No unnecessary conflict between family, friends and work colleagues. No guilt, bitterness and resentment building up, making us feel sick to the stomach. It all sounds like a utopian dream, doesn’t it?
Psychologists tell us that we’re programmed to negative bias where we tend to dwell on the negatives, making bad experiences seem larger and much more important than they really are.
So, it can impact our decision making and the opinions we form about others.
I’ve come to a point in my own life where I’ve had to reflect and rethink a lot about how better to deal with conflict and stressful situations. I’ve decided, first and foremost, not to allow someone else’s offensive comments or actions determine my own.
According to interesting research, thoughts and emotions work in tandem.
Just as night follows day, thoughts and emotions follow each other around, sometimes like a bad smell. Good thoughts tend to create positive feelings and emotions.
The opposite is also true. When we’re feeling hurt and hard done by, our negative mindset drags up all the negative experiences from our past and throws it into our face. Our negative emotional memories begin reminding us of how badly things worked out in the past. So, we immediately go into a defensive attacking mode to try and stamp out the threat of not getting hurt again. Right here, is where we pull the trigger and cross the line.
We begin hurling back a ton of insults and abuse because of how we’re feeling thanks to our very vibrant memory bank of explosive hurts egging us on. Can we stop our rampaging army of hurting emotions from going into battle?
Knowing how to stop them could well be the key to changing whether we light the fuse or diffuse the time bomb. The good and bad news is, you have control over both options.
Self-control is the only thing that can cancel the threat. But how do we activate self control to deactivate and short circuit the alarm system from going off gangbusters? Well, it just so happens that I was put in the middle of a sh.t storm from breaking out just the other day.
After filling fuel at our local service station, I got into the car and proceeded to the driveway leading onto a busy three-lane carriage way.
As I waited for an opening to enter the traffic flow, from the corner of my eye, I saw a white SUV begin pulling out from behind me. It gave me a start because it was totally out of character.
The driver seemed to be in a mad panic. As I entered the carriageway, he forced his way past me with only inches to spare. I made a sharp left turn to avoid slamming into him.
For a split second, I breathed a nervous sigh of relief. Then just as I was enjoying the momentary relief, something else happened. He cut straight in front of me from the other lane.
So you can imagine, my mind was screaming obscenities. It was an “up yours” gesture.
I had to hit the brakes hard to avoid slamming into him again. By this point, my rampaging army had their guns locked and loaded, ready to launch an attack. When the lights further up the road turned red, I finally caught up to him. I swallowed hard trying desperately to settle the testosterones that were firing up and ready for battle. As I sidled up next to him, I wound the window down and he did the same.
While a part of me was bristling with righteous indignation, another part of me was gently trying to calm the heat that seemed to be rising and blowing steam out of my ears. I immediately launched my PURGE THE URGE strike force. It’s a technique I’ve developed to send my battle-hardened troops back to the barracks. Then I very carefully and calmly said to him, “Mate, what you did back there could’ve put both of us and everyone else at risk.
And we could’ve ended up in a really bad accident.” Keeping the lid on the screaming soldiers being herded back to barracks, was taking a Herculean effort. The goon squad was bristling with rage while the flower power people were throwing fragrant petals of calm into the air hoping to soothe my jangled nerves.
He aggressively shot back, “You were dawdling back there and I’m running late for work!”
So, I said as calmly as I could muster, “Mate, just take a moment to think about what you did.”
As soon as I said it, a calm settled over me. The neural circuitry in his brain began whirring frantically looking for a good reason to defend and justify his brash behaviour. But what he did next, completely floored me. He called out, “Sorry mate, that was really stupid of me.” I accepted his apology and wished him well and we both went our separate ways.
My purge the urge technique had not only stopped me from pulling the trigger and going to war, it had a calming effect on the other driver too.
All I kept saying in my mind was, “Purge the Urge.” Purge the Urge helps to calm me whenever I feel intimidated or threatened. As the good professor says, our ability to control our thoughts is fundamental to our well being. And if I could take his wisdom a step further.
Self control is also fundamental to the wellbeing of the other person. If we’re honest, most times we’re only thinking of ourselves. It’s human nature. Controlling our thoughts and emotions can have a ripple effect. It can make the difference between bursting with anger and lashing out or purging it with self-control.
What will hitting back get us? A bucket load of grief, emotional distress and possibly even anxiety and depression.
If we can somehow learn to purge the urge of lashing out, it’ll help our health and wellbeing including the other person’s as well. And if it’s proven by research, then it’s something for us to think about and seriously consider.
Using this technique, I’m learning to deal with things in a more relaxed, calm, and positive manner rather than lashing out. Try it. See if it works for you. And please don’t give up after a few goes. Changing a lifetime of reacting to things will take a little getting used to.
As with anything, experimenting will help make it a learned habit and skill. The benefits far outweigh the negatives. And you’ll become a more peaceful, positive, and productive person especially during times of crisis and awkward situations.
Remember, purge the urge! And splurge on the benefits of a better and more balanced and beautiful life.
- COLIN DEOKI is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed in this article are his and not necessarily of this newspaper.
