Bula Fiji, thank you for taking time out to read Bula Vakasaama, a column dedicated to enlightening readers about practical strategies for optimal mental health and mind wellness.
Today’s topic is about understanding how important it is to gain clarification by asking questions and by critically analysing situations, instead of just drawing conclusions about people and situations based on assumptions.
It is at the mercy of the Creator that we humans are gifted with a mind that is able to think. Thoughts may be factual or hypothetical, merely imagined, or based on feelings.
Our thoughts also give rise to our feelings of love, fear, loyalty, hate, sadness, grief, and so many other emotions we toggle between — in our lifetimes. What we think about often leads us to decide how we must act.
So it is absolutely vital that we ensure that we are not being guided by thoughts that are baseless and false. We must ensure that our decisions and actions are based on thoughts and feelings that’s based on truth, not lies.
That they are based on solid proof and a credible, reliable source of reason. Assumption is the act of accepting something as true, or as certain to happen, without proof.
Clarification is the act of seeking facts or proof to support a thought or hypothesis. One of the main reasons why relationships break down in today’s society is that we don’t communicate with clarity. Instead, assumptions have become the norm of our dysfunctional family units.
A classic example of assumption in this age of smartphones would be where the blue ticks on Whatsapp may be assumed as ‘message read’, when in fact, this may not always be the case.
Furthermore, if there is no response to the message, the sender would, most often, assume that the recipient is ‘ignoring the message’. It is no wonder we are living on edge with our emotions, and we are quick to judge others.
Reflect on the last few days of your life and make a list of things you have assumed about people or situations, without having any real proof. Now, reflect on how each of these assumptions has panned out for you.
For example, in my own life, a couple of years ago I felt extreme pain in my left abdominal area. Immediately, I read some not-so-reliable blogposts online about the symptoms and assumed the worst diagnosis.
What I should have done was to read up credible literature from medical research journals. Instead, I got sucked in by the blog’s celebrity writer and the cool pictures and her fan following.
I assumed that just because she was famous and had millions of followers online, that she had all the facts.
There was no proof, yet there was a toxic, addictive yearning from me to gravitate towards a negative outcome about my own health based on fact-less, unprofessional opinions of a celebrity.
Why do we do that? What makes us get all carried away and assume things instead of researching to find truth and logic on matters that are important – such as our health, family, money, politics, religion?
Upon reflection, I now know that my own stupidity of following the celebrity advice was based on my fears of a past medical condition. I had assumed that it was recurring.
Luckily, my husband is a highly critical thinker and disagreed with my approach. Rightly so! He told me that the only way to douse those fears was to seek clarification from my general practitioner (GP).
Blood tests and scans later indicated that my fears and assumptions were baseless. The important thing to remember is that when we assume, what we are actually doing is creating a ‘false story’ and choosing to believe in it as though it were true.
The repercussions of believing in this false story may cost us our peace of mind, damage relationships and even cause ailments in the body and mind.
The only solution is to seek clarification. Not only that, but seek clarification tactfully to ensure you don’t impose your fears and insecurities on another.
How to seek clarification
Notice the scenario below: Wife forgets to take her phone with her. She has been gone all day. Husband tries to reach her. Wife’s phone vibrates silently by the bedside table.
Husband doesn’t notice the phone there. He assumes she is ignoring his calls. He lets this thought catapult to numerous unpleasant assumptions about his wife. Eventually, wife returns in the evening.
She walks in with a smile, however, the husband begins showering accusations at her. She finally gets a chance to speak and tells him about leaving the phone at home.
But husband chooses to ignore her because he is too worked up in his head of false stories based on assumptions and finds it difficult to see things rationally. He chooses to remain grumpy the whole evening.
The above scenario could easily have been handled differently had the husband tactfully sought clarification from his wife. All it required was for him to let her know that he had tried calling her all day and had become concerned when there was no answer.
Was everything alright? He could have asked her. Simple. The act of seeking clarification not only opens and deepens our communication channels, but also opens the mind to exercise patience — one of the most important virtues that God commands us to practise.
In the above scenario, the amount of time spent on negative assumptions, and later accusations, could have instead been spent on exercising patience and praying for the safe return of his wife.
As the age-old saying goes: “When you assume, you make an ass of you (u) and me” – What may seem like a cliched adage tends to hold immense truth. Resist assumptions, instead seek clarifications.
