Okay, I’m going to fess up to something that still affects me today. I’m in my 70s and it’s a habit I’ve been battling for years. For some strange reason, it still continues to sneak its way into my thought life even now. It’s not just negative; it has an invisible but powerful influence that subtly shapes how I see myself if I allow it to.
It happens in the simplest and most trivial moments – like when I’m putting trash in the bin, and some of it falls onto the floor. Immediately, an inner voice launches its attack: “Idiot, there you go again, spilling rubbish. Can’t you do anything right?”
In the past, and for some inexplicable reason, I used to agree with my inner critic without even giving it a second thought.
Sometimes, I’d even say these words out aloud to myself. Shocking, I know. It isn’t just a casual grumble; it’s self-berating. But here’s the danger — it reinforces a damaging belief that I’m somehow incapable of doing things right. It chips away at my self-worth, one small hiccup and mistake at a time. It’s deeply self sabotaging but it also has far reaching implications.
Does this ever happen to you? Maybe your trigger critic monster is different from my ghoul. Maybe it happens when you forget an appointment, burn dinner, or misplace your keys or even forget an important thing to do. But the script is often the same: a flash flood of flaky words come bubbling up to the surface like an angry horde lashing out at us as if we’re useless and stupid.
Why do we do this? Where does this need to punish ourselves for the smallest slip-ups come from? Ever wondered about that?
The roots of self-criticism
For many of us, according to the experts, this habit stems largely from early experiences – perhaps from environments where perfection was expected, or even demanded of us. Or the mistakes we made were met with strong hurtful and damaging comments and criticism by people who were close to us or people who we respected like teachers and coaches. Without realising we were doing it, we internalised the idea that making a mistake meant we were flawed and useless. Over time, these external harsh judgments became our inner self deprecating dialogue that we started embracing as some kind of sordid personal truth we began believing about ourselves.
Or maybe it’s rooted in comparison. In a world where social media shows us curated perfection, it’s easy to feel inadequate.
We see others seemingly getting everything right and looking right, and we judge ourselves harshly for the smallest mishaps and missteps for not measuring up. Or, maybe it’s something that people have physically spoken out, putting us down for making mistakes or incorrect choices and bad decisions like a parent, teacher or guardian.
A shift in perspective
The other day, I had one of those moments. Trash had fallen onto the floor while I was emptying some into the bin. Then like clockwork the usual inner voice started its scolding. But this time I did something different. I paused, took a breath, and chose to be kind to myself. I said out loud, “It’s okay. It was just an accident. No big deal.”
If you were a fly on the wall, you’d most probably have burst out laughing. But for me, it felt strangely but amusingly good. Liberating, even. I realised that embracing my mistake didn’t make me careless; it made me human.
I smiled a little victorious smile like I’d got one back from the sarcastic, judgmental mob that had always been putting me down for as long as I could remember.
This small shift in perspective created a ripple effect. It lifted my mood, and I felt more capable, more at ease. I was actually relieved if the truth be known. It reminded me that my worth isn’t defined by flawless performance but by how I respond to my imperfections and the shortcomings of my life.
Choosing self-compassion
Self-compassion isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook for real errors that need correction. It’s about separating our actions from our identity. Spilling trash doesn’t make me an imbecile incapable of doing anything right. It makes me someone who had an uncoordinated moment. And uncoordinated moments can also come with age as we begin to lose traction in doing simple tasks and things in life.
Here’s what I’ve learned to do:
-Catch the Critic. The first step is awareness. Notice when that harsh inner voice starts its raucous rant.
-Pause and Reflect. Before the criticism snowballs, take a breath. Remind yourself that mistakes, mishaps and uncoordinated actions are a part of everyday living and life.
-Speak Kindly. Replace the negative self-talk with compassionate words. Try saying, “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes.”
-Learn and Let Go. If there’s something to learn from the mistake, acknowledge it. Then, let it go. Don’t carry it around like some trophy as proof of your inadequacy.
You’re not alone
If you’ve ever been hard on yourself over the smallest things, know that you’re not alone. So many of us walk around with inner critics that are screaming their criticism at us sounding like a banshee. But the good news is we can change the narrative.
We can choose to be kinder to ourselves. We can decide to speak to ourselves with the same compassion we’d show a friend. We can break the cycle of self-criticism, one gentle, positive word and action at a time.
If this resonates with you, try it today. The next time you make a small mistake, pause. Speak kindly to yourself. Notice how it feels. It might just change your whole day — and, over time, your whole perspective about yourself and about life.
Remember, you are not defined by your mistakes or uncoordinated moments. You are defined by the real person that you are and you’re worthy of kindness — even from yourself.
And you’re not alone with any of your slip-ups. It’s just being yourself and being human and a little uncoordinated sometimes.
If anything, begin celebrating more of yourself, despite the slip-ups. Because you deserve to be loved and celebrated for who you really are — mistakes and all. Go on, say something nice about yourself and enjoy the moment.
Here’s cheers to you!
COLIN DEOKI lives in Melbourne, Australia and is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed in this article are his and not necessarily of this newspaper.
