PARENTS are often seen being anxious over their child’s behaviour. Some are disappointed in their child’s introversion while others moan on their child’s sloppiness.
Some children hesitate to interact with people while others create tantrums and misbehave when placed in a new environment. In school, some children are very attentive and fast learners whereas some are unusually impish and inattentive.
Most parents find it tribulations to handle and end up abusing or even punishing them. It is very important to understand that every child is unique and has different personalities. Many children are hugely influenced by the gene they inherit from either parents.
The behaviour of our children is also influenced by the impact of different developmental stages they go through and their behaviours in these stages shape the personality he or she would possess in future to a large extent. The stages from infancy to school age are the most crucial for our children’s personality development and of course here our parenting role is the most important.
So it is vital for us to understand these stages and how we can assist our child develop a profound and healthy persona.
The personality of a child is hugely determined by the difficulties presented by their behaviour and by the degree of acceptance and co-operation provided to them. It is here where parents must understand that the child develops to their full potential if the surrounding environment is favourable and also if the child is given the basic care and support, containment, love and acknowledgement necessary for the growth of the child’s individual identity and their continued development.
To make it more precise, let’s see how our child develops at various stages and our role in it.
During the first two years, the baby learns basic trust or mistrust. At this fundamental stage, we must nurture well, care and love our baby to develop trust and security and the basic optimism.
Since the baby is utterly dependent on us, the development of trust is based on the quality of our caregiving. Abuse or neglect at this stage destroys trust and fosters mistrust. If we are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable or rejecting, it contributes to a feeling of mistrust and belief on the child that the world is inconsistent and unpredictable which sows the seed of a sense of fear, introversion and insecurity in the child.
This is the time we must an provide abundance of love, hugs and kisses, maintain loving eye contact while we communicate and also praise and encourage them.
In early childhood, between 18 months to three years, the child learns “anatomy or shame”. This stage is focused on the child developing a greater sense of personal control or independence. The child will start to walk away from us, will pick toys of their interest, make choices, what they like to eat or wear etc.
And yes, toilet training is the vital part of this stage. The famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud (1905), in explaining his psychosexual stages, said overly harsh toilet training experience in this stage may result in excessively orderly or compulsive personality who can’t leave any work unfinished and strive for perfection and neatness in everything they do.
In contrast, a very relaxed toilet training may result in undisciplined, impulsive and excessively generous personality. If the child at this age is encouraged and supported, they become confident.
If criticised, overly controlled, they will develop the feeling of inadequacy, dependent on others, lack of self-esteem and respect; feel a sense of doubt and shame in their own abilities. So it is vital for us parents to have lots of patience and treat our children well during this crucial stage.
While in preschool years (three to six years), the child begins to plan activities games and take initiative with others. They begin to assert their power and control over the world through directing plays and other social interaction. If encouraged, they develop a sense of initiative, develop the ability of leadership and decision-making. If criticised or controlled, they develop a sense of guilt, self doubt, remain follower and will lack in self initiative.
In school age, from six years to 11 years, the child learns to cope with new social and academic demands. Erikson (1902-1994) described this stage as a sort of “entrance to life”. Here the child concentrates on work and skills development. Through social interactions, our child begins to develop a sense of pride in their accomplishments and abilities. The child, who experiences the satisfaction from achievement of anything positive, will move towards successful negotiation of this crisis stage.
A child who is encouraged will develop a feeling of competence and belief in their skills and become confident to achieve goal. Those who receive little or no encouragement will doubt their ability to be successful, they feel inferior, doubt own self and may not reach to their potential.
After these four stages, our child slowly steps into the threshold of adulthood where social relationships, career, intimate loving relationship etc becomes important. And the personality our child acquires at the later stage depends largely on his or her childhood experience.
Thus during the first stages of our child’s development, we must be aware of our own behaviour towards him or her which actually helps shape their personality.
Apart from this, we must remember that we are our child’s role model. As much as we see what they are doing in their life, they too watch what we do in our life. Our behaviour and lifestyle to a large extent will define our child’s future.
And it is utmost important for the child to see the parents living happily together. One wise man said the greatest gift parents could give to their child was the visible example of love and esteem by loving and respecting each other.
A healthy home environment, affection and unity among members help the child feel secure and confident to grow healthy and happy. Our child is a living message we can send to a time we can never see.
Let’s send the message of love, happiness and of absolute potential.
* Mercy Gogoi is a counsellor at the Fiji National University. Views expressed are hers and not of the university where she is employed or this newspaper.
