Bula Fiji!
Thank you for taking time out to read Bula Vakasaama, a column dedicated to enlightening readers about practical strategies for optimal mental health and mind wellness. Today’s topic is about grief and how to cope with the loss of a loved one despite the daily challenges of coping and the incessant heart ache of experiencing such deep loss.
My personal experience
Losing a loved one through death changes something inside of you. And when the dead person is your best friend, your grief experience is beyond mental and physical – it becomes a sadness of the soul that is near impossible to describe in words. On Friday 19 April 2024, I lost Meli, one of my two best friends. My life will never be the same again. With Meli, I could laugh aloud until my belly cramped with fun-coma. With Meli, I could cry and never be interrupted once to explain why I was sobbing like a two-year-old. With Meli, we reminisced about our silly pre-Islam days of spiritual ignorance and terrible life choices, and together express immense gratitude to be chosen to embrace Islam. We would revere at the self-proclaimed title of being the “cool converts”. With Meli, I could just be – warts and all – and she would love me unconditionally like a soul-sister and a true friend. And now she has departed this world. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un. From God we come, to God we return. Grief is one of the most difficult things to experience. Grief does not only occur with death but also when it feels like someone, or something has died. Like the end of a marriage or work contract or a leap from adolescence to adulthood where one feels the death of one’s carefree days. In all of these experiences, grief brings about feelings of some form of sadness, anger, regret, frustration, confusion and many other complex emotions.
How to find closure when there are regrets of unfinished business
In psychotherapy, especially in Gestalt Therapy, we use The Empty Chair Technique. It is helpful when we have unfinished business with the one who has passed. Often in those situations there is anger or resentment due to disagreements that were not resolved. The need for closure gnaws at your heart with regrets – If only I had said this or that to him/her, if only I could say sorry to him/her, if only I could tell him/her how much they hurt me and that I am so angry with him/her for causing me pain, if only I could tell him/her that I forgive you. The main idea is to imagine the person sitting on that empty chair as you direct your words and gestures towards the imagined person. The imagined person is not necessarily someone who has died. It can also be someone who lives far away and a lot has been left unsaid or unresolved. I could also be someone who may even live with you currently but does not give you the space to say what you need to say and express your feelings. The empty chair can even have an imaginary pet who may have passed, and you need to express how much you miss your pet. This strategy allows you to unburden and find some peace. Follow the steps below to experience some level of closure and unburdening. You can do this exercise alone, but I recommend that you allow a trusted person or a qualified therapist to be with you so that you feel emotionally supported:
- In a quiet room, set up two chairs facing each other, one for you and one for the absent person; and
- If there is a therapist with you, he/she will guide you with questions which will help you start speaking you mind, directing your words to the empty chair. If there is no therapist present and you are doing this exercise alone, you can do the following;
- Take a few deep breaths in and out;
- Relax your shoulders, be comfortable in your seat;
- Look at the chair opposite you and imagine the person there;
- Start speaking your mind, without censoring yourself. It does not matter the language or the choice of words. Stay true to your feelings and emotions. This is your moment to speak out everything you have been bottling up; and
Close this session by closing your eyes and taking deep breaths in an out and then releasing the empty chair occupant by say: I bid you farewell. May you rest in love and peace. You may also use this technique if you want to experience a joyful moment with a lover you have lost. I know a man who lost his wife of 50 years who lays snacks and drinks in front of the empty chair and then watches rugby as though she is with him still.
Self-care and kindness strategies
The following helpful strategies of self-care and self-kindness can help manage complex emotions that arise from the experience of grief:
Speaking to a mental health professional (counsellor or psychologist) — it is a good idea to speak to a professional if you feel that grief is affecting your daily life and stopping you from accepting and moving forward.
Speaking to trusted family or friends — sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted people in your circle can help you unburden and allow you to laugh again.
Nostalgia — allow yourself some quiet time to think happy thoughts of the person you have lost. Think of the moments you laughed together and other happy or funny incidents. Also, do little things to keep the memory alive of the loved ones you have lost. For example, a photo collage, a scrapbook, donating to their favourite cause.
Journaling — If speaking about your feelings is difficult, write them down in a journal.
Time helps heal — acceptance of loss takes time. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself that time. With each salah, make duaa to surrender to the acceptance of loss.
PRINCESS R LAKSHMAN is a counsellor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life-coach. She is passionate about mind wellness and an advocate for kindness and self-care. She lives in Sydney and will soon open mind wellness hubs in Fiji to provide free mental health counselling and workshops exclusively to Fiji residents. The views expressed are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect the views of this newspaper. She can be reached atinfo@princesslakshman.com
