BODY AND MIND | Who's the boss?

It’s a question that causes more tension in relationships than we often realise or even care to admit.

If we’re honest, many of us want to be in the driver’s seat, calling the shots. Somewhere along the way, we’ve embraced the notion that someone has to be the boss in a relationship.

But here’s the truth: marriage isn’t a hierarchy. It’s a partnership. And leadership in marriage isn’t about power tripping; it’s about responsibility, humility, servanthood, and love in action.

The danger of power struggles

When leadership is misunderstood, a relationship can become a battlefield.

Power struggles begin to breed tension and arguments. The ongoing feud leads, ultimately, to the breakdown.

I’m not the boss in my marriage. But I am a leader in my family. And leadership isn’t about control. It’s about serving, loving, encouraging and empowering my spouse, children and grandchildren to be their best selves without stealing their identity.

Identity theft in relationships is more common than we think. Sometimes, without realising it, one partner manipulates and controls the other to the point where they lose their sense of self.

They become a shadow of who they once were, grieving their lost identity in silence, feeling disconnected, disempowered, and unseen.

And when this happens, a person can become emotionally unstable and vulnerable feeling trapped and traumatised in the relationship.

The difference between a boss and a leader

• A boss demands obedience. A leader earns respect.

• A boss gives orders. A leader inspires, motivates, encourages and leads by example.

• A boss rules with authority. A leader nurtures with love, empathy, and respect.

In the workplace, a boss has the right to demand results. But in a marriage, leadership isn’t about dominance — it’s about creating an environment where love flourishes through nurturing and nourishing.

The strongest marriages aren’t built on power struggles but on mutual respect, service, and love in action. Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a verb. It’s seen in how we show up: not as dictators, but as partners who listen, sacrifice, serve, and grow together.

Marriage: A journey, not a battlefield

After more than 50 years of marriage, I’ve learned this: love is the greatest privilege of my life. My wife is my partner, my equal, and my greatest source of strength.

But let’s be real. Marriage isn’t always easy.

Every couple faces struggles, disappointments, disillusionment and misunderstandings. Many marriages don’t break down because of a lack of love, but because of an unwillingness or a lack of knowledge on how to navigate the stormy passages of life.

Real love isn’t about the easy moments. It’s about what happens when the ship hits the troubled waters as many couples often experience throughout married life.

Marriage is about

• Listening and biting your tongue when you’d rather argue and justify;

• Staying, even when you feel like walking away; and

• Choosing kindness when resentment is screaming and feels justified in wanting to lash out.

• Fighting for your marriage with forgiveness and understanding instead of fighting against each other.

Marriage isn’t about keeping score or winning arguments – it’s about resolving them together. It’s about being a team, even when you don’t see eye to eye. My wife and I have faced lots of struggles just like many couples.

But we made a decision: to work with each other, not against each other. To nurture, protect, and invest in our marriage because it’s worth it.

Love is both fragile and strong

Love is like a delicate yet resilient thread. It can be torn apart by neglect, silence, and unkind words. Yet it can withstand life’s greatest storms when it’s nurtured with care, patience, and understanding.

Most of us were never taught how to build a thriving relationship. We absorbed habits – some healthy and some destructive. And we picked up most of these habits mostly while growing up. And without realising it, we repeat those patterns creating distance and heartache instead of closeness and intimacy.

But here’s the good news: it’s never too late;

m Healing is possible if you’re prepared to remove pride, anger and bitterness from the equation;

m Restoration is possible if you’re willing to learn how to serve each other with humbleness, kindness and humility; and

m A new beginning is possible if you’re prepared to forgive your spouse and also forgive yourself.

When two people commit to finding solutions instead of searching for an exit, something incredible happens: love deepens, trust strengthens, and the relationship begins to transform into a heartwarming story.

Love is a lifelong journey

Even after five decades of marriage, I’ve learned that love isn’t a destination – it’s a journey. A journey filled with laughter and tears, connection and conflict, highs and lows.

No marriage ever arrives at perfection. Relationships require continuous effort, a willingness to grow, and a commitment to understanding each other, even when it’s frustrating and downright uncomfortable.

If you’re struggling, please hear this: conflict and challenges don’t mean failure. They mean you’re human. Love isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about learning how to navigate the storms of life together.

And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to fight harder but to love better;

m To pause before speaking words that wound and cause division;

m To extend grace even when your spouse falls short; and

m To see the person you fell in love with, not focussing on their flaws that frustrate you, but their strength and exquisite beauty and the personality that attracted you to each other.

Every day, I strive to be a better husband. Not because I have to, but because she’s worth it. Because we’re worth it and our children and grandchildren are worth it.

And in the end, that’s what love truly is: two imperfect people, choosing over and over again to build something beautiful together, no matter the storms that come along to try and blow us off course.

So if your relationship is going through a rough season, don’t give up. Strengthen it. Fight for it. Work for each other, not against each other. See the challenges as opportunities to grow.

And if you have children, remember:

They are watching.

They’re learning how to love by the way you love and forgive.

They’re absorbing how to communicate, resolve conflict, and treat their future spouse just by watching how you go about doing it.

Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice. A daily, intentional decision to love, serve, and grow together despite all of your differences and challenges.

And when nurtured, love becomes life’s greatest source of joy and fulfilment.

“Remember the difference between a boss and a leader. The boss says, “Go!” The Leader says, “Let’s go!”

n COLIN DEOKI lives in Melbourne, Australia and is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed in this article are his and not necessarily of this newspaper.