Not too long ago, we were having a family talanoa – one of those honest, unfiltered conversations where life gets laid bare across the dining room table.
In the middle of it, I asked my eldest son a question that had been quietly sitting inside of me:
“How do you stay so calm when things start going pear-shaped?”
He didn’t hesitate.
“I’ve learned to compartmentalise,” he said.
I must admit, I looked at him with a hint of surprise. It sounded clinical, almost detached. So I pressed him further.
“How do you actually do that?”
What followed wasn’t a textbook explanation, but something far more powerful. It was simple, practical wisdom.
He explained that when a situation begins to spiral or drift beyond his control, he mentally places it in a separate space. He refuses to let his emotions follow it into chaos. If it wasn’t something he could control, he chose not to let it derail or damage him.
I smiled, but more than that. I felt a quiet sense of pride and admiration. Here was my son, someone who’d learned to steady himself in ways I was still grappling with. While I could easily feel anxious or frustrated when things didn’t go my way, he’d found a way to remain grounded and calm.
And that, I realised, is no small thing.
What does it mean to compartmentalise?
At its heart, compartmentalising is the ability to mentally place difficult thoughts, emotions or situations into a “box” so they don’t spill over into every part of your life.
It’s not denial. It’s not pretending something doesn’t matter.
It’s saying:
“This is real. This matters. But I’m choosing not to let it consume me and derail me right now.”
Imagine your mind as a house with many rooms. One room holds your worries, grief or stress. Other rooms hold your daily life – your family, your work, your conversations, your moments of peace.
Compartmentalising is the act of gently closing the door to the “grief or anger room” for a time, so you can function in the other rooms without being overwhelmed and distracted by rising emotions of emotional distress or rejection.
Why we need it more than ever
Life in Fiji, like anywhere else, comes with its share of pressures – rising costs, financial woes, family burdens and responsibilities, relationship and community expectations and the emotional weight of uncertainty. For many, stress isn’t occasional; it’s a constant, daily grind of just trying to get by.
When everything feels urgent and important, emotions can easily overflow causing a tsunami of unbridled anger and resentment. We become reactive. We snap. We worry. We carry one problem into the next conversation, the next task, the next day.
This is where compartmentalising becomes not just helpful but a necessary tool for restraint and calm especially in the middle of a storm that might be brewing.
It allows us to regain a sense of control and calm, to stay functional in the face of conflict or confrontation. It helps prevent emotional overload where we begin to feel anxious and overwhelmed. It helps us respond to a situation instead of reacting and losing control.
It doesn’t remove the problem but it gives us the space and time to deal with it wisely.
The fine line: Healthy vs unhealthy
Like most things in life, compartmentalising has two sides.
Healthy compartmentalising is intentional, even disciplined.
You acknowledge the issue, but you choose to set it aside temporarily so you can return to it later with a clearer focus and uncluttered mind. It gives you breathing space without denying reality.
Unhealthy compartmentalising, on the other hand, is avoidance.
It’s when we lock the door and throw away the key. We suppress emotions, ignore problems and hope they’ll just disappear with time.
But they don’t.
Eventually, that closed door bursts open and often in the form of anger, anxiety, or emotional explosions. And when that happens, all hell can break loose.
The difference lies in one simple truth:
Healthy compartmentalising pauses the emotion, pauses the reactive urge to unleash anger and rage. Unhealthy compartmentalising buries it like a ticking time bomb.
A practical way to use it
So how do we actually practise this in everyday life?
It starts with a simple internal conversation.
When something begins to overwhelm you, say to yourself:
“I’m not ignoring this. I’m parking it for now. I’ll come back to it when I’m calmer and better able to deal with it.”
This one sentence creates space between you and the problem and the person you’re about to throw a bucket load of rubbish onto.
Then, and this is important – you must return to it.
Set aside time later to process what you’ve parked. That might look like:
Writing your thoughts down
Talking it through with someone you trust
Sitting quietly in reflection
Praying and seeking clarity and wisdom
This second step is what turns compartmentalising from avoidance into wisdom.
My own learning curve
I’ll be honest – I’m naturally a reactive person. If I feel hard done by, my instinct is to react quickly and aggressively in a fight or flight mode. It’s something many of us can relate to.
But learning to compartmentalise has been quietly transformative.
It hasn’t made problems disappear. It hasn’t removed stress entirely. But it’s changed how I respond.
I no longer feel the need to react to everything immediately. I’ve begun to recognise what’s within my control and just as importantly, what isn’t.
And there’s something deeply liberating and profoundly peaceful about that.
Because when you stop trying to control everything, you start protecting what matters most – your peace of mind and the peace of everyone around you – especially the people you love and care about.
A rhythm for the heart
Compartmentalising isn’t about shutting your heart down. It’s not about becoming cold, distant or indifferent.
It’s about giving your heart a rhythm to pause, relax and reflect.
Moments to process. Moments to breathe. Moments even to calm the rage.
In a world that constantly demands our attention, our energy and our emotions, this simple practice can help us remain steady without capsizing our boat.
Not perfect. Not untouched by life’s challenges. But steady.
And sometimes, that steadiness is exactly what carries us and those around us, through difficult and challenging times and circumstances. Perhaps his wisdom is something many of us can learn from.
Not everything deserves an immediate emotional response. Not everything is ours to control.
And not every storm and tempest needs to be entered into with all guns blazing.
Some simply need to be placed in the right room so it can blow over. And when the air is clear, we can revisit it with a clearer head.
So learn to compartmentalise and depressurise. It’s been life changing for me and hopefully, it will be for you too.
- COLIN DEOKI lives in Melbourne, Australia and is a regular contributor to this newspaper. The views expressed in this article are his and not necessarily of this newspaper.
