Highlanders player Solomon Alaimalo has become the latest high-profile sportsperson to speak out about their struggles with mental health.
Alaimalo, 25, played just one game of Super Rugby Aotearoa this season before taking time away from the game to deal with personal issues, and on Friday the fullback/wing outlined his struggle “with depression and anxiety for multiple reasons”.
“I had a lot of messages throughout the season asking ‘why are you not playing’ and some i ignored and some I just said my shoulder still wasn’t right,” Alaimalo wrote on social media.
“But truth is I really struggled this year with depression and anxiety for multiple reasons. For me I’ve been going in and out of it for a while now growing up but ever since my joining of professional footy it got worse.
“Always judging myself as a person off how I’d played, letting the game I love dictate my mood for the day and week until we’d get to play again constant cycle.
“This obviously carried on for a while and I think a lot of my coaches throughout the years can attest to this because it got to the point where no matter how well I played I’d be like ‘nah I didn’t play good enough’ this and that and my coaches would look at me like sole your to hard on yourself but if it was a bad game my thoughts were so bad that I’d start thinking I didn’t want to be around anymore.”
Alaimalo moved to the Highlanders from the Chiefs on a three-year deal announced last year, and he was expected to play a major role in the southerners’ season.
Well regarded within rugby circles for his athleticism, pace and skill levels, he started at No 15 for the Highlanders’ opening game against the Crusaders in February but did not take to the paddock after that.
He returned to the Highlanders for the latter part of the season, although he was not in consideration to play.
“For me that’s when I started to see that I wasn’t getting that fulfilment and enjoyment from what I was doing,” Alaimalo wrote.
“Don’t get me wrong though whenever I’d suit up I always tried my best to put my best foot forward for the boys because I didn’t want to let them down.
“But I stopped getting that buzz ya get when you cross that white line because I was mentally drained from all the negative self talk I’d been feeding myself and the cycle I repeatedly kept going through.
“With my shoulder injury, looking back at it now I wish I’d reached out then and looked after my mental well-being more but I was just to scared of being judged and thought am I being ungrateful because I’m in such a good position and had my dream job.
“Anyways finally this year all the bottled up emotions just finally tipped me over .The smallest thing would go wrong and I’d go home to my fiancée down buzzed as or phoning her from the car crying.
“She convinced me to go to someone at work so I finally reached out to our Doc and PDM [personal development manager].”
