The way I see it, there are three types of people come Valentine’s Day — single women, women in relationships, and dudes.
Each one of these people handles the holiday differently but the reality is, without each one of these people, Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be as fun.
First you have your single women.
Single women absolutely adore Valentine’s Day.
No, you didn’t read that wrong.
Single women ADORE Valentine’s Day. What other day of the year can they let the entire world know how incredibly single they really are?
Single women can shout it from the rooftops. Do you think Paul Revere was loud when he said, “The British are coming?”
Imagine a single woman shouting, “I’m not coming.”
Do you think your single friend can tell the world via Facebook that she bought her cat some tuna and put a red bow on it any other day of the year? No.
Do you think it’s acceptable for a single woman to text all of her exes letting them know how over them she is? On Valentine’s Day it is.
Single women group themselves together on February 14. They get to go to fun ‘Cupid is an a**le’ themed bar nights and think back on the year that was and all of the bad dating decisions they made all the while getting free drinks from single dudes. How is that not fun?!
Then you have your women who are in a relationship.
They HATE Valentine’s Day.
They have to talk to their partner about plans and gifts. It’s even worse this year because Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday — there’s no way he’s going to plan ahead.
They have to tell their single friends how right they are and how Valentine’s Day is lame even though if they don’t get something from their partner there will be hell to pay. They have to out-do Patrice in HR because you know very well Patrice is going to get two dozen roses with a big Teddy bear. It’s this one day competition where they have to coach a little league boy because, let’s be honest, men just do what women tell them to, in order to beat out their coworkers.
For guys it’s different.
Every guy in a relationship, gay or straight, hates Valentine’s Day.
The average guy will spend $133.91 on Valentine’s Day. Depending on the gift, that’s like…3 hours when you don’t hate us. That’s 44 bucks an hour for you to be less angry.
Do you know how much money we expect to be spent on us? Zero dollars and zero cents.
Valentine’s Day is the one day a year when we have to use both hands to give you a massage.
We hate Valentine’s Day because the cliche is true. We appreciate you every other day of the year. It’s stupid that we have to prove it because some Christian in like 500AD decided to marry gay soldiers and got his head chopped off. (I think that’s true, don’t fact check me.)
Meanwhile, single guys are either at home playing Xbox, not spending a dime or they’re out picking up the easiest of low hanging fruit at a bar. That’s win/win for single guys. They have it the easiest.
Now, notice how not once did I mention love in all of that rambling.
Valentine’s Day should be about love. It shouldn’t be forced down our throats. It’s basically like New Year’s Eve.
Valentine’s Day is amateur night for romance.
Walking through Target and seeing Star Wars toys with hearts on them isn’t romantic. It’s stupid (Darth Vader shouldn’t be anywhere near a heart FYI).
Proving your love with overpriced steak and flowers isn’t love. It’s fiscally irresponsible.
Men and women alike should notice this, and this year do something about it. I’m personally going to cook my girlfriend a nice dinner while she takes a bubble bath I drew for her.
Instead of roses, I’m buying my girlfriend a carton of cigarettes because that is what she needs.
* Tim Falleti is a Chicago based recruiter by day, aspiring SNL writer by night. ) Tim is 32, lives on the north side of Chicago with his girlfriend Jess and their dog/mountain goat Macee.
Source: NEWS.COM.AU
